archive of excess

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

anyway, things lately have been comme-ci comme-ca. i wish i could go into the one million and one things weighting on my mind, and i wish i could go into the infinite weight ive been carry around in my heart -- but i cant. because of time, and im just too damn lazy.

anyway. once again, the days here seem to drag yet they fly by. and i live by myself in my own little bubble, unable to break through to the fresh air on the other side. instead, i remain stationary with the stale air, and numbness of ambition for the other reality slips away.. day by day.

yesterday i found myself twitching. and screaming in silence. i heard myself telling myself to get out. get up amy get out. but i couldnt. i remained pinned to the seat and no amount of desperation could break me away. i felt as if the whole world was moving too slow. and as infatuated as i was with the present, i couldnt bring myself to slow down for it to sink in. whats wrong with me. and then i felt the urge to throw up. until finally, i started making myself sick. i walked around the remaining day being stricken with the temporary flu.

why can i never settle down. i always grow wary of everything cept the consitancy of the beauty which surrounds me. what would i do without nature and the inspiration it offers me. to live your feelings unabashedly. to live without the securities of anything considered concrete. what life would be like without words and etiquettes, where your senses is all you need. where there are no priorities, nothing to lose, where all you can do to give -givegivegive. you feel and you love and you give give give without ever being scared.
but not here. not here where the jaded structures of our lives have played out the burning desires of our hearts. everything here is played out. im played out. the intact class i claim feels its too good for this no good place. the snob in me pretends to no longer care, the romantic in me tells me im drained, and the idealist in me lets me know that this place is void of any feelings leftover for me. i guess ive just been around this place for too long.

and you try and you try to make the best out of it. and you realize in the end what you salvage is optimism. and faith. :)

posted by Pink Starberries @ 4:05 PM