Monday, June 10, 2002
Monday, June 10, 2002i think she thinks i can right all the wrongs in her life. because she loves me that much.
i guess, we all want to believe our loved ones would be smarter. would 'know better'. would be most sensitive to words never uttered. in my dreams, lovers hear each others inner callings and they come, without us ever asking. and without questions asked.
time will tell the dreams apart from reality. but in my present, i know love has not made me smarter. so i still, have not perfected conveying my love the way she wants me to. and in my struggle to break in the learning curve, i cant escape the sunk costs of breaking her heart. :(
or simply, there are times when we're [i am] too absorbed in being ignorant to be sensitive.
but. if we fathom love in our own ways, can it not be that our loved ones let us show it in our own ways.
she could have pointed her finger and said, 'why can you not be more like her?'.. then i might have been able to retort by building myself up, pointing out 'her' flaws or point out that i am not her. i could at least get a 'check' before the 'checkmate'. but instead. what came was 'i pity for the ways youve become.' [pause.] ....dont let it sting. and in the process of waiting for numbness to wash over, the betraying tear dropped. and with it fled what little dignity there was left to salvage.
the best i could do after that was say, 'well yuck fou too!' no. jf. i actually said, 'everyone loves in their own ways!'.. ...so can i at least get a point for that?
its just a different sort of favoritism. its just a different sort of love. i shouldnt compare, and not one is better than the other. the main differences lies in its leniency.
but at this moment i still cant help but feel he got the easier way out..
if he had loved her enough, if he had loved us enough, he would have stayed. if he had only loved one of us enough, he wouldnt have done all the things he did, and all the things he didnt do. but shes an optimist. while others frolic in the dismay of loves ugliness and binge on excuses to gravel at the chipped corner of their should-have-been's; while others commercialize and take for granted that loving and being loved is a priviledge, not an equation to balance, nor an obligation; while the lazy stall and justify their ambition for indifference with everyone else's flaws and everything that fell short ..she swallows the darkness whole.
because she knows, the world owes you nothing. but more because she believes love conquers all. so to sustain her hope, but more to offer this optimism to the ones she love, she'd rather make the sacrifices and suffer for everyone's carelessness. she would pay for what she did, and then some.. in her selflessness, she tries to make up for everything that everyone else has overlooked. [irony]
so OK. we've got it that shes a trooper. and uncle sam's motto suddenly became a toss up between 'if you think you can-youre right' and 'suck it up and deal'. where she fought more for getting through this moment than knowing what she expects in the next. where she fought for beauty she believed to be more pure than herself.
when your ego tells you you've won this battle, have you won the war? actually, there is no need for this question in this discussion about she. because she was beyond this.
and shamelessly, i am a free-rider. i am the one who reaps and unabashedly budges forward for seconds. while i envy her strength, im afraid of being guilty of her sacrifices. of caving. of losing yourself. of living for others.
speculations of adopting the same mentality is frightening. or perhaps tragic.
people accuse tragic heros of being dramatic. or living in vain. but its with passion they lived. 'wild horses run unbridled or their spirits die..' so i let it be.
so. after the last tear falls, we box our wounds, tape on the sticky label, add the expiration date, and bury it under 'the past'. and someone lends you a hand, and you get up so you can keep believing.
i guess all it really comes down to is this:
'you either get busy living... or get busy dying.' -s.r.
oh, and also that i think there is too much self-expression and not enough censorship for percision on this public a page. [thats why them entries keep disappearing...] so i retreat my insanity back to a blogger and the rest will be here. ask me if youre really interested. heh. ;)
or if yall know where im quoting from. ciao babycakes.
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